A night shift worker in England says a teenager held a gun to his head and tried to steal his cheese and onion sandwich. That’s the single most disturbing story of the day. I mean, cheese and onion? Yecch!

Harrison Ford’s $16 million dollar New York penthouse apartment is up for sale. He originally wanted over twenty million but was forced to drop the price when fumigators couldn’t get his old man smell out of the carpets.

This year’s county fair circuit features deep-fried Kool-Aid, deep-fried Klondike bars and deep-fried Girl Scout cookies. I highly recommend the deep-fried brownie at the fair. It pairs well with the overpriced ice cold beer. Definitely five star.

Shrimp consumption in Las Vegas is more than 60,000 pounds a day. Double that when Michael Moore’s in town.

Italy’s new austerity plan is drawing wide criticism from Italians. Not surprising when you consider the plan includes only two meatballs per spaghetti serving and one mistress per politician.

An episode of Jersey Shore beat the latest GOP debate in the ratings. Sensing a new way to win popularity, Mitt Romney will now be known only as “The Mittsuation.”

Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty dropped out of the Presidential race after a disappointing showing at the Iowa straw poll. Political experts are already calling it “the straw poll that broke the Pawlenty’s back.” Don’t worry…we don’t get it either.